Anticipatory Grief and Birthdays

Yesterday was my birthday. I spent the day in Ohio with my parents, where I’ve been for a few weeks now, as my mom has been unwell.

We don’t talk enough about the anticipatory grief of watching our parents and loved ones get older.

It’s such a hard place…to see the suffering of a parent. I’m in a space filled with deep love for my mom which also holds a deep grief. It makes me yearn for the days when my parents were younger.

Childhood memories have flocked to my mind. I remind myself of the grace that even allows me to be here to support my mom at a time when she needs me.

While turning another year older myself is joyous, it was also difficult to think about how many more birthdays we have together. I want to honor and celebrate their lives while they are here. Let me give the full measure of my love, compassion, forgiveness, and affection to them.

They did the best they could. As I grow older, I can understand more and more the decisions my father and mother made while I was young. I can see the wisdom and love in which they navigate life, even if it didn’t make sense at the time.

The natural aging process of our parents (and caregivers) is a complex and emotional journey.

As I’ve been looking after my mom, it has given me a new appreciation for everything she (and my father) have done for me over the years.

My mother’s resilience is truly inspiring.

I’ve been so busy growing up in my own healing journey, that I’ve almost forgotten my parents are growing up too. To hold the reality that life is shifting in all ways has been heavy on my heart.

As I turn a year older….so do my parents. It makes me realize there have been moments when I took them for granted, very complacently believing that they were going nowhere.

Yesterday, as they sang me happy birthday, I allowed myself to feel the honor of being next to them celebrating my birth. There was a richness in that moment I hadn’t felt for a long time.

As we all continue on the confounding, mysterious, and wondrous cycle of life, I am grateful for the gift of anticipatory grief, for it has deepened my love for them….and shown me the choice to live more fully.

May we all let love in. 💜