Our body is a portal

"Embedded in your precious body are ancient maps to guide you on your awakening path, a landscape of original instruction written into the hills of bellies, dunes of breasts, and caves of wombs; sutras of the Living Goddess encoded in hieroglyphics of sensation, subtle tremor, and whispers from below the below.

Here awaits your knowing, dignity, and ecstatic duty of belonging."

Such beautiful wisdom was shared by one of my teachers, Chameli Ardagh.

My issue was that I could hardly look at my body, let alone feel into it.

Over the last year, I have put on twenty pounds (on top of the 10 I had gained during the pandemic).

I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. And no matter what spiritual teachings I had, my love for my body was dwindling.

I had fallen prey to societal standards of beauty and found myself totally giving my power away. I was caught in the lights of a society that views thin as desirable, and I was falling into the trap of unworthiness

Thirty pounds overweight and my self-esteem was lowered. I could feel it when I when out in a pretty dress. Or attended 4 weddings in India this past December. I would strategically place myself in pictures. I would cry when my hand-made outfits didn't fit as well as the beautiful women next to me.

I had fallen prey to the "male gaze" and its view on what is to b considered beautiful.

Destroying my body image and sense of self along the way.

It's only after some deep inner work that I can see my own brainwashing.

Yes, I want to be healthier AND I don't have to judge myself by some random standard of beauty. I can love my beautiful body and be more mindful of how much I walk/eat/and sleep.

In the dunes of my breasts, I can find my heart and turn it towards myself, untangling from the map of patriarchy and capitalism that would deem my current body shape as not worthy.

What we consider beautiful in our western society is a colonized idea of beauty. Stick-thin women who look plastic are what is revered. Fake nails, fake eyelashes, fake filters on Instagram, fake makeup. Botox, cinched waists and fillers seem to be what is "trending" these days.

No wonder I was feeling so much pressure at this extra weight.

Extremely controlled and constricted bodies are not true beauty. This is fleeting.

Clinging on to my body I had at 25 is mental. Of course, I am going to shift and change. Getting older doesn't mean anything other than what I want it to mean.

I want to come into a mature and loving relationship with the skin I am in.

I found standing in front of a mirror for 5 minutes and touching my belly, my cellulite, and my heart to be crucial to start shifting my sense of self and this body.

Words like "thank you my beloved body, thank you for all that you do for me, I love you, let us heal ourselves home" started to feel real and true after some time.

I have come to move towards the wisdom of aging. The grace of my wrinkles. The appreciation of sagging skin.

There is wisdom in this flesh.

A woman's body is meant to be round and full. We are meant to have our wombs unclenched and our hearts open. Our body is a portal.

We can be healthy and real. There are consequences to being too skinny or too heavy. There is a balanced middle where the female body thrives.

Can you relate?